That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
