she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
