batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
