i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
