how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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