Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
