even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
