the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
