he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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