dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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