Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
