Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
