U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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