life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
