I only kidnapped one of them. chill
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
