the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
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you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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