I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
