woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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