There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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