I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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