So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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