Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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