So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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