I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
