never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
