Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
