Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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