So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
