I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
