Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
