My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
