Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
