even my farts smell like vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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