He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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