Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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