If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
