Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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