I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize