I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She swung at the pinata with crutches
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
