I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
