Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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