okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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