College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
