the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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