It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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