allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
