I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
