Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
