i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
