I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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