I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
