I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
