One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
