Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
