If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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