Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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